I am a product of toxic parenting. I was raised by a father who is a narcissist and a mother who never had enough attention from her parents when she was young. Growing up, I always had to be the adult, the practical one, the mediator between my parents.

My father is a person who believes he should not spend much for his children but it is very important for him to satisfy everyone out of the family. To him, I was nothing more than a trophy. A trophy that he has groomed for him to brag about outside. But never once has he supported any decisions, I made for myself.

I am always having to be the one to fill in empty shoes for my mother. I had to be the support system her parents should have been. I had to be the person who showed her love and appreciation when it was her husband’s role and I also had to be the friend because she has given up on having them because of her husband.

My parents never once had a happy day. Ever since I could remember, they fought all the time. And usually it is about money. It came to a point where even if I needed colour pencils for school, I was afraid to ask, because they will start fighting and put the blame on me. If there was something my parents are good at, it would be the ability to put the blame of all their mistakes on everyone else but themselves. My siblings and I has always been blamed for everything that happened in the family. Because of us, they can’t have a life. Because of us they can’t enjoy. Because of us, they can’t meet their friends. Because of us, they cannot separate. It is always because of us.

Growing up in this environment was similar to growing up during wartime. I have become someone who has low self-esteem and confidence. I was easily bullied at school and college. I was even being taken for granted off by my own cousin. Whenever I asked my parents for support, they ask me to handle it like an adult, suck it up and live with it.

I even visited a psychologist when I was 18, trying to get a solution to all my stress and that was when I realized that I probably am going into depression. But I could not seek further help. The psychologist was my mother’s friend and there was no privacy and secrets. I could not afford to go for therapy because I was busy trying to pay my tuition fee. Yes, I paid my university tuition fee.

Everything of my life had to be by my parents’ approval. The course I choose, the clothes I wear, the makeup style I prefer. Everything had to go through an approval process. If I made any choices on my own, I am always ridiculed and called out as dumb and stupid. My love for dancing, my passion for writing, my interest to learn new languages, all of it is ridiculed if it is not up to their preference.

I started piercing my ears when I turned 21. In total now, I have about 10 piercings around my body. When I started piercing, everyone started labelling me as a thug and rebel. What they did not know was that I was diverting the pain in my heart and mind by inflicting pain in other parts of my body.

Before I know it, I was already working and earning some extra money. Even though I know that my parents have caused me so much hurt, I still always show them that I appreciate them for raising me. I always tried to be the daughter they can be proud of but never once I heard them telling me that they were proud of me.

Thank God, I found a man who loved me without expecting anything in return. Finally, I had someone to rely on. Someone to trust and some who is genuinely proud of me. Someone who supports my passion when the whole world is laughing at me about my choice. But I still feel empty sometimes. Because suddenly now it hit me that to my father, I already mean nothing to him because he has a mistress and the mistress’ children is more important to him. My siblings have to beg my father to pay for their tuition fee but someone else is enjoying the luxury.

My husband and I are trying to have our own children. But I am afraid. What if I become like my parents? What if I hurt my child the same way my parents hurt me?

So, it is my humble request to those who are parents now and who wish to be parents and a reminder to myself. Having a child come with the responsibility of raising them without expecting anything in return. If you are daring enough to have a child, please also muster up the courage to raise them whole-heartedly. Don’t blame your children for the decision you make. They are not responsible for you to lose your youth. If you feel you want to have fun, then don’t have children. Please understand that the word ‘mother’ and ‘father’ is an honour that comes with huge weight. Respect it and be the best version so your children can be proud of you.

I have always fought to be the best daughter to my parents but I am very embarrassed of what my father has become. People say that children should not be embarrassed of their parents and I disagree with that. Why are children being blamed for the mistakes their parents commit? Children can also be embarrassed of their parents.